Blame it on the Snooping

Sometimes women can be a bit over passionate about keeping our men in line, that it hurts the relationship so much, we actually lose the relationship. I mean not all women are like that obviously, and I only speak about women cause I'm a woman myself. I could get like that if I have a reason to be suspicious about something. This was the case of my most recent ex.

We parted ways on the 5th of September 2010. This was something I wanted badly to happen, but as it was going to be my first real break up I didn't want to shoulder the responsibility of saying "its over". 

In my bid to not shoulder this grave responsibility, I started to drop hints, say things I knew was contrary to everything he wanted at that point in time. I started to talk babies, marriage, immigrating to another country (oh that I really wanted to do). When we broke up, I felt this sense of loss for this person I had known for just over a year, that I had come to share the good and difficult times with, and learnt to scream at half the time we were together. I hated this new feeling that came over me. The emptiness, that took over the relief that it was over, and made me panic and feel well maybe we could just work this thing out... 

A lot had happened in our time together, most of which I never addressed properly, and believe was a massive contributor to the failure of our relationship. It all began with me trying to use his phone to receive a message cause my battery was dead. After reading my message, I was honestly going to do what all non-prying individuals do. Take my sim out, and nicely return his phone to the table... but then I saw a text message that looked very odd. I counted down 10-1, it didn't work so I read the text. It did honestly seem like an innocent text between two people which if given the chance could go pear shaped. I was going to talk to him about it, but then I thought how about I do it differently.

The next day, I had a conversation with him where I asked to read his text messages, pretending to be oblivious to any questionable source of info that could make me go ape-shit. That was when all hell let loose, there came with it a string of lies, and I met with a man I had barely known the whole time we had been dating. The perception of the man I called boyfriend that wasn't quite what it was. In place of my dearly beloved, was a liar who wasn't so good at it, and a man that didn't think much before he opened his mouth. Saying things he knew he was going to regret sooner than later. I got paranoid after that, and it all went downhill from there. I did not believe a word he said to me at most times, and started to read him faster than he could say hello. Lots of lying, him refusing to take responsibility for his own mistakes, playing the everybody hates me card, and me wanting to snoop all the time. Fighting the urge to not look into that phone every time it was within reach. I started to resent the man I was with, and all his redeeming qualities could not change the fact that I had lost faith in what we had and needed the least painful way out. I was struggling in spite of my straightforwardness to straightforwardly say ITS OVER. I struggled because underneath the resentment, I cared for this man, probably not as much as I did at first, but I still cared for him. 

Its been 4 months since, I have spent a lot of time debating what I should have done or not done, trying to take my lessons learned to heart, and let go of the mixed feelings. The biggest hurdle for me now is that I fear I'm judging every potential, expecting every relationship to head south, I know deep down inside me that it shouldn't be so. But failing at this past relationship has given me reason to doubt my capabilities. I hate to fail at anything regardless of how fickle it might be considered.

I have met a good man. One who has spent a lot of time courting me, letting me into his life and not hesitant to show me his world. Still I'm hesitant, afraid of being judgemental, afraid that I might be too much for him, even though I know that he can hold his own. He truly understands me, yet I hesitate to take that step.

I'm writing this for you, so you understand why in spite of my cravings for adventure, and trying to live without limitations, I have found me limiting myself to you. I don't know how long it will take to unlock the real me, you may lose interest in me because I am lost in my world of drama, You may decide that I'm not worth waiting for. All I know is I might have to live with the regret of not letting you into my life, because I need to figure me out first before I let you or anyone else in.

Sorry I sound like a broken record...

The weeds are out of order

Dear Miss Akerele,

It has been a while since we’ve had a heart to heart, and today you have spun the need to talk to you. We had a brief chat on Skype and I referred to you as an Unkept Garden (feel free to use unkempt if you prefer). I thought I might explain in detail what I meant. Mostly, I pray that you will find you. Not what people want you to be, but the you that would be proud enough to stand tall, even though in reality you are quite a short woman… I love you all the same.

Let us take a look at the word Unkept - not retained, not preserved, not maintained. If you prefer the word Unkempt- neglected, untidy because of neglect, disheveled (like the unkempt clothes of a tramp) 

Now I remember the first time we had a heart to heart. We were in the mini fridge room behind the kitchen at church, when I probed regarding an issue that seemed to bother you. Before this time, my impression of you was a young disrespectful, selfish girl with an Ego the size of Mt. Kilimanjaro. We talked and all I deduced from the conversation was that you were an attention seeker, with serious identity issues, suffering from high end dependency and needed help. Boy was I wrong? Or probably right in some sense. In all the time I have spent getting to know you and love you, I see a woman suffering an identity crisis, and as a result you find the best of you is left to wither while you try to become other people’s expectations of you.

I have chosen this picture of to describe my perception of you (unkept garden) because of the colours that spring out in the midst of all  that green. The green here represents who you are, and the confusion and misunderstanding that you have become. The colourful flowers in the midst of all that green are the talents/abilities that you possess. They unfortunately have fight hard for a place in your life. Not because you don’t have the ability to excel with what you've got, but you have let other people’s perception of you determine who you should be. It takes a lot of strength to say “Hey, this is who I am” knowing that it may not appeal to all, but saying it because you have found solace in you.

Change does not happen overnight. It takes guts, and determination even in the face of failure to make a change. Even though my perception of you may be floored and lacking  evidence, and it could just be me seeing what my life was before I decided that I was not going to be defined by other people’s reality of me, I feel strongly in my heart that for you to find you, and all the beauty that exists within you, you’re going to have to take a chance and weed the garden. It’s not a day’s job. You’ve got to be willing to get your hands dirty, and look at a patch and say you know, I’d prefer a rose there instead, and probably some lilies here.  And you’ll find the making of you. You will begin to find that while you may feel bare some parts of you will be on the mend. You will find that just like this plot below, a fine arrangement begins to come together. In spite of the uncertainty, the assortment of flowers begin to find a place where they should be.

 

After months and months of ripping the garden apart, replanting and watering, and weeding, one day you will wake up smiling. Not because you’ve got it all right, but because you know how to get to where you’re going, Who you are, and most of all can take responsibility for your own actions. It will be like waking up to the sound of the weather man forecasting that the day is full of sunshine and you can enjoy the weather without the interruption of rain, winter or any restrictions that may normally impede.

I’m not going to wear you out with my illustrations, but hope that when you get to that place where you can be content with yourself and truly say THIS IS ME, I will still be a part of your life and will be standing in the crowd smiling at you knowing that we have achieved a milestone.

The wise words of Nana Cher 

Charity begins at home

I've spent most of my life writing about matters I deem dear to my heart. As a teenager, I wrote about my feelings which usually concerned boys, my dreams of becoming the hottest woman alive, my imaginations of being deflowered by this muscle clad, 6 foot 2 hunk which was obviously short lived by reality some years later and the more horrifying fact that not only had I missed out on the 6"2 hunk, the first time ordeal did not involve a short moment of sharp pain followed by endless minutes of sheer pleasure which rocked me to Jupiter and back…. Mills and Boons authors have to be sued for misleading me.

As I grew older my need to write down my daily occurrences (at least the ones I thought were funny) took over. Every detail i thought important penned into my temporary auto-biography.

Today I want to write about something that has affected me greatly. It’s got nothing to do with sex, or the hunk of a man that I pray would be mine forever, its more to do with abject poverty. The type that I have been fortunate enough to avoid the chance of meeting. The type that as long as you can read this note on my page you’ve probably never encountered, or have risen against.

Yesterday, I took a moment to look at a picture posted on my friends wall. What they thought was a funny picture rocked my sense of being. I refused to laugh, I saw what we the fortunate ones in Nigeria always saw. The suffering of others and the jokes we made of their suffering. I’m not sure if this is a measure devised to deal with the suffering, and the fact that we’ve done nothing to aid or improve their state of existence, or if this is just the norm we have come to accept as a way of life. As disturbing as the picture was, I started to think more about the unfortunate state of my Africa, my home country being a point of focus. When you’ve got things easy, you don’t really see how hard

others have it. It’s always around us, but because we don’t live in this reality, we prefer not to see the suffering, the lowly lives that our kindred have found themselves in.

When I look back in time, I remember the times I got on my knees and prayed to God for something as stupid as a new Video player, or a bicycle and even a car just so I could run from one end of the city to the next. In the midst of it all, a child out there just wanted a meal, a good hearty meal. One filled with the right amount of greens, good beef on their plate, not tiny cutlets of the skin of the beef that is barely visible, and good hearty seasonings. A meal nutritious enough to keep them going long enough to wake up the next day and perhaps get a chance to hope for something better.
A pair of shoes, cause the current ones can barely stretch to cover the entire foot, or under pants to cover their nakedness. Under pants that would probably not even be brand new, worn previously by some kid in some western country first before making its way to our dearly beloved 3^rd world country to be hung in the open in very unhygienic markets for a miserly price which they still can’t afford.

While I’m fighting every day to live my dreams, I have come to the realisation that some people don’t even have the opportunity to dream, not because they don’t dare to dream, but because life by default, stole their opportunity to dream. All they’ve got instead is a need. A need to survive this mess called life.

All my life I have prayed that good things happen to me and those around me, but I’ve never prayed for the suffering of my people, because I chose to be ignorant to their pain. Now this picture has touched me, made me see life differently, and while I’m grateful that I’m not a product of this circumstance, I cannot help but remember my people in the struggle. It is my prayer tonight that this child whom someone set out to make a mockery of as a result of her situation, will rise above it. That her current circumstance will not determine her tomorrow. And that she gets a chance to improve her life and those around her.

Memoirs of a lonely heart

Sometimes my heart stops for half a second because I see a man that attracts my undivided attention. The pull is so strong I can’t help but throw caution to the wind, and just for that half a second He is the most magnificent thing I have ever set my eyes on. I don’t care that he might be a bit too old/young for me. He just makes me feel warm inside. For that half of a second he represents everything I have been working so hard for. He is the alpha male that I dreamed of.

But you see it was just half a second, and the moment has passed and all that’s left is an empty feeling. Reality hits me like a wave knocks a surfer of his board. Yes, I must have been crazy to think that he would look at me twice. What in the world was I thinking? There is no way in the world we would even get together, our lives are so different.... And so I watch him walk away, smile as he side steps to avoid a lady bumping into him.

Half a second was all it took to lose him to this big big world.