Sometimes women can be a bit over passionate about keeping our men in line, that it hurts the relationship so much, we actually lose the relationship. I mean not all women are like that obviously, and I only speak about women cause I'm a woman myself. I could get like that if I have a reason to be suspicious about something. This was the case of my most recent ex.
We parted ways on the 5th of September 2010. This was something I wanted badly to happen, but as it was going to be my first real break up I didn't want to shoulder the responsibility of saying "its over".
In my bid to not shoulder this grave responsibility, I started to drop hints, say things I knew was contrary to everything he wanted at that point in time. I started to talk babies, marriage, immigrating to another country (oh that I really wanted to do). When we broke up, I felt this sense of loss for this person I had known for just over a year, that I had come to share the good and difficult times with, and learnt to scream at half the time we were together. I hated this new feeling that came over me. The emptiness, that took over the relief that it was over, and made me panic and feel well maybe we could just work this thing out...
A lot had happened in our time together, most of which I never addressed properly, and believe was a massive contributor to the failure of our relationship. It all began with me trying to use his phone to receive a message cause my battery was dead. After reading my message, I was honestly going to do what all non-prying individuals do. Take my sim out, and nicely return his phone to the table... but then I saw a text message that looked very odd. I counted down 10-1, it didn't work so I read the text. It did honestly seem like an innocent text between two people which if given the chance could go pear shaped. I was going to talk to him about it, but then I thought how about I do it differently.
The next day, I had a conversation with him where I asked to read his text messages, pretending to be oblivious to any questionable source of info that could make me go ape-shit. That was when all hell let loose, there came with it a string of lies, and I met with a man I had barely known the whole time we had been dating. The perception of the man I called boyfriend that wasn't quite what it was. In place of my dearly beloved, was a liar who wasn't so good at it, and a man that didn't think much before he opened his mouth. Saying things he knew he was going to regret sooner than later. I got paranoid after that, and it all went downhill from there. I did not believe a word he said to me at most times, and started to read him faster than he could say hello. Lots of lying, him refusing to take responsibility for his own mistakes, playing the everybody hates me card, and me wanting to snoop all the time. Fighting the urge to not look into that phone every time it was within reach. I started to resent the man I was with, and all his redeeming qualities could not change the fact that I had lost faith in what we had and needed the least painful way out. I was struggling in spite of my straightforwardness to straightforwardly say ITS OVER. I struggled because underneath the resentment, I cared for this man, probably not as much as I did at first, but I still cared for him.
Its been 4 months since, I have spent a lot of time debating what I should have done or not done, trying to take my lessons learned to heart, and let go of the mixed feelings. The biggest hurdle for me now is that I fear I'm judging every potential, expecting every relationship to head south, I know deep down inside me that it shouldn't be so. But failing at this past relationship has given me reason to doubt my capabilities. I hate to fail at anything regardless of how fickle it might be considered.
I have met a good man. One who has spent a lot of time courting me, letting me into his life and not hesitant to show me his world. Still I'm hesitant, afraid of being judgemental, afraid that I might be too much for him, even though I know that he can hold his own. He truly understands me, yet I hesitate to take that step.
I'm writing this for you, so you understand why in spite of my cravings for adventure, and trying to live without limitations, I have found me limiting myself to you. I don't know how long it will take to unlock the real me, you may lose interest in me because I am lost in my world of drama, You may decide that I'm not worth waiting for. All I know is I might have to live with the regret of not letting you into my life, because I need to figure me out first before I let you or anyone else in.
Sorry I sound like a broken record...
